It definitely takes a village

Last Christmas, I had an eye-opening conversation with my mother-in-law (and, yes, it was the good kind of eye-opening J). Let me tell you a little bit about my mother-in-law. She grew up in Southeastern Nigeria during the Biafran war, arguably one of the most brutal conflicts of the past half-century. She lost her older brother and mother during and shortly after the war, respectively. After meeting my father-in-law and getting married at 19, she bore the first of six sons a year later. Although my husband’s family would have been considered ‘middle class’, as his parents were college-educated and had professional careers, in Nigeria this still meant that they lived without running water and with intermittent electricity much of the time (can you imagine dealing with a baby in diapers without running water?). She raised her six boys during a military dictatorship and structural adjustment programs that drove many Nigerian middle-class families into poverty and left my husband’s family unable to afford three meals a day. In other words, my mother-in-law is one tough cookie. Compared to her, my life has been a walk in the park…on a warm, breezy day, with lemonade and cake. Compared to her, pretty much my entire life could be labeled with the hashtag #firstworldproblems. Oh, and by the way—while she was raising six boys, this sweet lady went back to school to get her teaching certificate, and started a career outside the home.

And yet, here is the gist of the conversation I had with my mother-in-law last Christmas. She was asking about my job and how M (my husband) and I handle childcare arrangements. After listening to my explanation, she shook her head and said, “You know, I think things were easier back in Nigeria. Because we had help.”

Yes. You head that right. My mother-in-law, who raised six children during a dictatorship and economic crisis, thinks that, at least in some ways, women living in America today have it harder. That really, really gives me pause.

Here’s the thing: when my husband was growing up, there were three ‘aunties’ in the house who helped care for him and his brothers, and who also helped with the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and everything else involved with the running of the household. These ‘aunties’ were only a few years older than my husband, and in return for helping, my in-laws helped educate them. This is a common arrangement in West Africa and many other parts of the world, and when it works well, it can be mutually beneficial. This is why Africans (and, later, Hilary Clinton) say that ‘it takes a village’ to raise a child. We seldom think about the corollary: no one person can raise a child on their own.

But that’s what we expect nuclear families to do in the United States these days. We expect that two people will, on their own, deal with providing for their children financially and also perform all of the exhausting and demanding work involved with raising children and running a household. And, let’s be honest, we really expect that mothers will do all of these things. I’m amazed at how mothers (whether stay at home, or working outside the home) beat themselves up over not being able to do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child-rearing themselves, or exhaust themselves attempting to do so. Frankly, I’m not immune to this type of guilt. 

One thing that helps is that I’ve been privileged to have seen how things are done in the rest of the world, because it allows me to say that this type of arrangement (mom does everything, or mom and dad do everything) is uniquely American and uniquely insane. Many people from all points on the political/ideological spectrum have lamented the dissolution of community in the United States over the last fifty years or so, and I think that one of the consequences of this disintegration is the extreme stress and pressure put on working parents to do everything themselves, without the help of their parents, grandparents, cousins, aunties, or neighbors. This has certainly been a struggle for my family and I—due to the specialized nature of my job and my husband’s job, we have limited choices about where to live at each stage of our career advancement. This has meant that, just as we settle into a place and start to make close friendships and build our support network, we’ve had to move on. I hope that this will not always be the case for us, but I know that a lot of academic and professional families find themselves in this situation.

I am very thankful for the help I have – and the last years have taught me the importance of asking for help from one’s community. My husband and I are fortunate to live near my parents and my youngest sister, and they help with childcare and other tasks on a regular basis. Without them, I truly don’t know if I would be able to have the career that I have and simultaneously be a mom. 

I would argue that raising a child by oneself is, if not impossible, insane. I understand that not all feel this way, and I am in no way impugning those who, for various reasons, have had to do things by themselves. Understandably, not everyone is able to locate themselves near family members, but for new and expecting mothers, I would encourage a push to find at least one community of helpers. It could be family, it could be a place of worship, it could be other mom colleagues, neighbors, whatever—you can’t raise a child on your own­—even if your spouse/partner is an involved parent. 

Mine is only one story. How do you create community and find help where you live?