E, I’m glad we have a little time together. You see, I
want to talk to you about sex. Sorry, you can’t jump out of the car—we’re on
the freeway now. Anyway, I know your dad already went over all of the basics
with you, but I wanted to give you my perspective too—a woman’s perspective. I
know you don’t think of your mom as a woman, but I am, and I’ve been around the
world a few times more than you have, so listen up.
First, I want to tell you that I understand how confusing
sex can be for young men and women in the United States (I’m assuming here that
we’re living in the U.S., which may not be the case. But, unfortunately, a lot
of the negative aspects of American culture are going global). On the one hand,
sex seems to be everywhere around you. You might get the impression that
everyone is having sex all of the time. On the other hand, there is shockingly
little real or honest information about sex. In fact, I would go so far as to
say that most of what you see around you is lies.
You and I have talked before about the fact that some of
what our culture tries to tell us, through media, movies, and advertising, is a
lie. For example, the idea that having more stuff will make you happier. It won’t,
but advertisers want you to think that. Well, the same is true of sex.
Advertisers, and the media, seem to keep pushing this idea that women and girls
are available for sex all of the time, but passively. Just look at the way scantily
clad women are lounging all over things in just about every ad. Even singers
and actresses, and other women with successful careers and global reputations,
pose this way. On the other hand, the message to young men seems to be that, in
order to truly be masculine, you have to be dominant and aggressive towards
women. Women are available for sex, but they won’t initiate it, so you have to
reach out and ‘take’ it (and porn, which I very much hope you haven’t watched, for
the most part perpetuates this idea). Let me tell you in the strongest terms
possible that none of this is true.
You see, women and girls are not very different from you.
Most are curious about sex, and interested in it, but want it to happen on
their own terms, in a situation in which they feel comfortable. Some of them
want sex, and some of them don’t. In other words, women and girls are human
beings, not objects upon which to act out sexual desires. My hope for you is
that you treat every human being with which you have a relationship, sexual or
not, with kindness, respect, honesty, and generosity. My hope for you is that
you look back on your sex life as an old man with no regrets about the way you interacted
with your partners, knowing that you always treated them the way you would want
to be treated. The way you would want your cousins, your friends, or any woman
or girl who is precious to you, to be treated.
You see, I don’t subscribe to the notion that sex is
unimportant or inconsequential. I think that sex, like money, can be a very
powerful force for good or for evil. It can create and build relationships, and
it can also destroy them. We have to be our best selves in our sexual lives
just as in every other aspect of our lives—as I said, kind, respectful,
generous, and honest. When we do that, trust me, sex can be amazing. (This is
the part where you throw up all over the dashboard – and we stop to clean up
the car). It can be one of the best
things in your life, and a way to communicate to your partner that you love and
trust them. It can be emotional and spiritual. Don’t get grossed out (too
late!)—your old mom is trying to be honest with you here!
Let me get a little more specific. Call me old-fashioned,
but I think sex is for adults. In other words, you have to be emotionally and
mentally mature enough to bring your best self to a sexual relationship, as I said.
Also, it’s your responsibility to ensure the health and safety of both you and
your partner in any sexual relationship (I think your dad talked to you about
how to do that). If you’re not ready to do these things, you shouldn’t be having
sex. Also, I firmly believe that alcohol and sex do not mix. Alcohol impairs
your judgment; it makes you do things you will regret doing later, and believe
me, that is not something you want to bring to a sexual encounter. If you are
too drunk to drive, you shouldn’t have sex.
And let me be crystal clear: if your partner is too drunk
to drive, she is too drunk to consent to sex. Having sex with a woman who is
too drunk to consent is rape. It doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, how many
other guys she slept with (or how many other guys you think she slept with), or what your buddies are telling you to do.
In your life, you will encounter girls or women who perhaps make poor or
foolish choices. That is not your responsibility. But it is absolutely your
responsibility to treat any woman or girl, in any state of intoxication or
dress, like a human being. Again—with respect, kindness, and generosity. Taking
advantage of someone who can’t speak for themselves or defend themselves, to
gratify one’s own sexual desires, is disgusting and wrong, not to mention
illegal. And statistics indicate that most rapes reported among teenagers
happen when one or both parties involved are drunk.
Being a ‘real man’ doesn’t mean acting with aggression and
dominance towards women and girls. It means standing up to do the right thing
even if you face ridicule and rejection from your peers. It means being the
first to defend someone who is in a weak or vulnerable position and can’t
defend themselves. There was one young man in Steubenville who did this—he saw
the pictures of the rape that were circulating among his friends and reported
them to the authorities. I love the
ads from Men Can Stop Rape—they have exactly the right message.
That’s all I wanted to say. I believe in you and I know
you’ll always do the right thing. After all, you have great role models—your dad
and your many uncles, to start with. When you’re not sure what to do, think
about how they would act. Ignore the lies the media tries to feed you, and try
not to rely too much on your buddies either—after all, they’re probably pretty
confused too. Treat everyone with the respect and kindness all human beings
deserve, and you’ll never go wrong. I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment